Renting bicycles in London

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It starts on 30^th July

The hire-bike has at last come to London. So late after the pioneers of Paris.

It is not hard to bike in London because it is built on a river plain and all the interesting bits are on the flat. It should be a brilliant experience. You can follow in fascination a StrollOn tour, coast quietly along the river, pedal coolly under the trees, park thirstily outside the pubs and finish refreshed at a docking station.

Are they going to be any good? Jon Snow in the FT was very doubtful. They are slow and expensive. They are so heavy that however hard you pedal you can be overtaken by a burger in trainers doing a power-walk. But so what? Are you trying to be Lance Armstrong? No, you have come to see as much of London as you can.

They do sound expensive: you sign up for a day for £1 and then pay £1 for an hour (OK) but £6 for 2 hours! You get more from StrollOn but you go further with a bike. Therefore I suggest you take it for an hour in the middle of London and then go back with us to see the best bits.

A warning: avoid roundabouts and cyclists.

Cyclists are killed on roundabouts. White van drivers are like fighter pilots – the roundabout is the perfect battleground. They surround, squeeze and then dump the cyclist. Each scratch on the van represents a smashed cyclist. Don’t stop to count the scratches otherwise you will be one of them.

Messenger cyclists are just as dangerous but they aim to maim – they do not kill. Traffic lights are challenges – how many red ones can they jump on a road. If you go at a proper speed then you get in their way and nothing will stop them. They cut in front and leave you floundering. Just watch out and keep to the lane. You might survive to be a miracle.

I promise to keep you up to date on this story. I will battle to find a bike and report back.

Rain! Rain! Rain!

It's raining in Europe. Try these places for something different.

1. London: The bridge with a view
Tower Bridge is across the river from the Tower of London and has a fantastic view up, down and across the river. It might break in two if you are lucky or an aeroplane could flie through it (see it on Strollon)

2. Paris: Dream of sex
The Erotic Museum in Paris is right next to the Moulins Rouge in Montmartre and the start of the Strollon walk.

3. Amsterdam: Look for your specs
If you can not find them then go and look at the Spectacle Museum in Amsterdam. If you can not see it then press the bottom button. Fascinating for the myopic.

4. Prague: Play with Barbie:
In Prague there are not many out-of-the-ordinary museums but I am told that the Toy Museum is the second largest in the world with crowds of Barbies in all their glory. Give it a go.

5. Venice: Goggle at Guggenheim
In Venice you have seen every Saint that you every want to meet. The rain fills the canals and the clouds darken the windows. Just go to the lightness of Peggy Guggenheim’s museum for wonderment and light.

Well this is a short list. I will come back to more if the rain keeps tumbling down.

Good luck. Keep dry.

A new poem from "Be Prepared"

Be prepared for your visit to London with the London Guide.
Some people do not even try and are so sad when they come home!

This is a poem written for Strollon by one of these people:

I went to London to see the Queen. She couldn’t see me. She was having tea.

I went to London to talk to Van Gogh. He couldn’t hear me. His ear had come off.

I went to London to see Big Ben. He couldn’t hear me. He was just striking ten.

I went to London to see the Dome. It was no longer there and so I went home.

A stroll through Terminal 5

A stroll through the airport
Chaos and anger erupted at London airports last night.
I was at Heathrow where we were surrounded by mobs of very cross travellers.
Staff stood in the middle of the concourse and just told people to ring a very long number if they wanted information. Most of them did not have mobiles that worked, or their batteries were flat or they could not find a payphone.
Therefore here are a few hints for travellers in Terminal 5:
1. Plug sockets are near the toilets. They can charge the laptop and the mobile. You look like a tramp sitting on the floor but it is better than standing in a queue.

2. Go to any empty desks for information. Queues can be created at random. People think it has a purpose but often it is a crowd causing trouble. Other check-in desks welcome a friendly face and have the same information.

3. Use your looks and charm. I do not claim to have either of them but they work wonders on a hassled member of staff. Bad jokes are not welcome but always stroke egos and mop brows. Do you remember the hell of complaining customers?

4. Don’t get cross. You look an asshole to all other travellers and staff avoid you.

5. Grab a seat in a coffee shop. They can be gold-dust and buy you new friends.

I will bring you more hints next week.